that’s what mental illness means to me.

it means going to the hospital and getting treated like crap, like it’s your fault for being there. it means not being taken seriously. it means every day you wake up is like a fucking miracle, and not necessarily one you asked for.

Leave a comment

2013.02.02 · 20:27

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

hello. i am charlie.

there are those days when i wake up and spend the morning researching transition options in new hampshire. whether the sense of betrayal comes from the internet, the state, the medical world; i feel a sting.

hello. i am charlie. i am neither male nor female. my preferred pronoun is They.

an anxious song-and-dance with each new professor, therapist, peer. three years real life experience. but this is real life. i have been living it. poorly, by many measures. but here i am, nonetheless.

self-harm. anxiety. depression. suicidal ideation. substance abuse. all exclusionary criteria in the eyes of many doctors: psychologists, endocrinologists, surgeons. but i’ve never met a trans person who didn’t live with some combination of these sterile words for indescribable pain.

hello. i am charlie.

I’ve Never Met A Girl Named Charlie Before.

hello. i am charlie. i am neither male nor female.

How Long Have You Felt This Way?
or
Yes, But I Mean, Physically, What Are You?
or
Yes, But Do You Have A Penis Or A Vagina?

hello. i am charlie. i am neither male nor female. my preferred pronoun is They.

That’s Grammatically Incorrect; Invent Your Own Pronoun.
or
How Do You Expect Me To Remember That?

hello. i am charlie. i rarely experience physical gender dysphoria, but i often find the social dysphoria to be overwhelming. i think if one more well-intentioned stranger says Pretty Women Don’t Light Their Own Cigarettes, if one more well-intentioned stranger tells me Ladies First, if one more well-intentioned stranger calls me Ma’am or a fucking Lady, if one more shitbag straight boy hits on me or fucking catcalls me,

i will very possibly lose my temper and hit them.

hello. i am charlie. i rarely experience physical gender dysphoria, but i often find the social dysphoria to be overwhelming. i do not want to transition to a male appearance, but i would like to achieve a more ambiguous appearance that makes me more difficult to gender. i would like people to take me seriously when i tell them i am not female or male. i do not particularly want to punch a well-intentioned stranger.

hello. i am charlie. i rarely experience physical gender dysphoria, but i hate my ovaries, and i have no intention of using them, and i would like to request their removal. i am tired of the blood every month. i am tired of the quarter of my sexually fertile life i am bound to spend crying because my hormone levels are fucked up. i am tired of the insinuation that i will one day want children. i am tired of the binary femaleness they impart to my existence, tired of what they mean to doctors, tired of what they mean society, tired of what they mean for me.

hello. i am charlie. i rarely experience physical gender dysphoria, and even though i cannot remember the last time i went out in public without binding, i like my small tits quite a bit and i do not want male chest reconstructive surgery, even though it is a requirement to change the gender marker on my state driver’s license.

hello. i am charlie. please believe me. please do not call it an attention-seeking phase. please do not say i am making things up. please do not say i am in it to gain male privilege. please do not tell me how difficult my pronouns are, because i know they are hard. please do not tell me i would be happier as a male. please do not tell me that i am confused or deluded. please do not tell me that i do not exist. please try to understand.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized